Apparently there’s a new and terrifying plastic surgery trend gaining gusto in this sick sad world. Women are going to doctors to have their feet altered in order to fit in a specific pair of stilettos that don’t fit them naturally. Yikes! The procedure has been dubbed “The Cinderella” and though I’m no doctor, this seems incredibly misguided. Shoes are great, but so are feet. Getting your tootsies cut unnecessarily for a pair of high heels really is something out of a scary fairy tale. Truly.
In the original Cinderella story, the evil stepsisters hack up their feet to try and shove them into the slipper Cinderella left at the ball. Disney left out that gruesome plot detail. Hopefully those choosing to undergo foot surgery for Louboutins realize they’re playing the part of a wicked step sister and not Cinderella.
The cutesy name of the procedure got me thinking about how other fantasy storybooks could inspire plastic surgery procedures. If plastic surgeons were fairy godmothers, you’d be able to get these imaginary surgeries based on fairy tales:
1) Sleeping Beautification. Get the sultry bedroom eyes of your fantasies. Sleeping Beautification will make it so you’ll never look wide eyed and alert again. Your surgeon will slice your lids up and sew them back together in a way that makes it impossible for you to ever fully open your peepers again.
2) Reverse Little Mermaidplasty. The little mermaid may have traded her fish tail for legs, but you can get cosmetic surgery to do the reverse. Using skin grafts, your cosmetic surgeron will fuse your legs and feet together to look like a beautiful mermaid tail. After your tail heals, a combination of medically supervised scarification and tattooing will give you a green and scaly look.
3) Fairy Wing Implants. Get your scapulas enhanced to look like fairy wings. You won’t gain the ability to fly, but you’ll look magical.
4) The Full Swan-ty. Kill the ugly duckling inside you by having your outsides completely overhauled from head to toe. You’ll be a beautiful and unrecognizable swan.
5) Bambi Leg Extensions. There’s already a leg lengethning procedure available, but it’s nothing like this mystical surgery that will replace your human legs with dainty fawn-like legs from an actual deer.
6) Poison Apple Bitten Lips. A combination of lip fillers and red apple skin dna will give your mouth the crimson glow that made an evil queen curse Snow White.
7) Wolf Eyes. Everyone and their red riding hood wearing granddaughter will be complimenting you on “what big eyes you have” once you get your tear ducts and eye skin shifted around to give you a scarily beautiful lupine stare.
8) Permanent Rapunzel Wig. Get your scalp replaced with a wig with tresses so thick and strong, your lover will be able to use them as a ladder.
9) Cheshire Cat Smile. A mysteriously wide and toothy grin can finally be yours! Your plastic surgeon and an orthodontist will work together to give you a hauntingly feline smile.
10) Princess Sensitization. It’s really quite simple: your doctor will give you spine injections until all your nerves are firing over time. You’ll be sensitive and fragile enough to be able to feel a pea through hundreds of mattresses.
11) Thumbelinasuction & Reduction. Your whole body will be reduced to it’s smallest possible size. A team of doctors will shave down your bones, suck out your fat and miniaturize your stomach to make you the most petite you could possibly be.